celebrate!

Mom & Dad,
Happiest of anniversaries! We didn't get a card in the mail to you in time so we thought to make a more public statement! Congratulations on another year of marriage! I don't know what you have planned for tomorrow but we hope you get a chance to remember your past and make exciting plans for your future! It should include a vacation! (Kids or no kids is up to your discretion) We are grateful for your dedication to each other and to your family! We love you! Love, Nolan, Amanda & Emery
see you on the 19th!

pillow talk

2 conversations bedside:

Em: i two

Me: yes, sweetheart, you're my big two year old.

Em: i was a baby?

Me: yes

Em: in you tummy?

Me: yes, you were in Mommy's tummy

Em: i pop out

Me: yes, yes you did

a few moments later Emery was putting her hand up by her face, near her boo-boo

Me: Emery, leave your boo-boo alone

Em: I holding it

Me: don't pick it, you can rest your hand there

Em: it sleeping. my boo-boo sleeping too

She proceeded to fall asleep with her hand over her face, holding her weary boo-boo

Sweet Emery Ruth,

As I cuddled in your bed with you (praying it didn't collapse underneath me) I couldn't help noticing how enormous you are. I held your cousin Elliott today and he's only a little guy. You were like that not long ago. You are such a big, beautiful two year old. You melted my heart as you were falling asleep tonight. You would close your eyes and then smile a contented smile knowing your mommy was lying beside you. I know your daddy thinks I probably spoiled you by doing that but I couldn't help it tonight. You're invitation (aka demand) for me to rest my head on your back was too good to pass up. I loved that I thought you were asleep and then 'Stay Awake' came on the cd player and you popped open your eyes and said, "Mary Poppins." You never miss a beat. Thanks for giving me this memory tonight. I had to write about it quickly so it didn't get away from me! I look forward to spending the day with you tomorrow and hearing you laugh, sing, and probably try to boss us around. Sweet dreams, sweet girl. Momma loves you!

rest in Him

We still have a bassinet in our room. To be honest, most days I don't even notice it; it's become just another piece of furniture I twist my hip to avoid hitting. It's still in our room mostly due laziness but also due to bad timing. After we moved Emery into her crib I asked Nolan to move it to the garage. He insists to this day there's no room for it out there.
Time passed and the bassinet still sits there. I kept thinking we'd fill it again soon so it did seem pointless to move it to the garage but so far it still sits empty. Well empty of a real life, it's actually inhabited by a few of Emery's spare toys.
The reason I'm bringing any of this up is due to the fact Emery pulled out the mattress today and played with it in the living room. It was her baby's bed. As I watched her love on her baby; wrapping it with a blanket, sweetly kissing it on the forehead, and settling down to read Baby a story, I couldn't stop my mind wandering into thoughts of Joel.
Recently I've been introduced to new people and had frequent conversations about babies. These people don't know about Joel and I have mixed feelings about that. On the one hand I do not want to be the awkward, misty-eyed woman who can't seem to get over her miscarriage. On the other hand, my experience with Joel was so life-altering that I can't believe people aren't aware of it. When my miscarriage does come into conversation, I do feel like I sound callous or unmoved. The truth is it was horrific, disarming, and the worst pain I've ever felt. However, I am successfully on the other side of the event so as I am explaining it to others, I am able to say that I'm 'okay'. Do they want me to describe it in detail? No. Do I feel they think I'm either faking my calm or not giving enough severity to the situation? Absolutely.
Thankfully the Lord came to my aid as I was slipping into a more depressing mindset.
The verse in Genesis 16:13 came to the forefront of my thoughts. "You are the God who sees me." Instant reprieve. God is the one who sees me. He saw me through the miscarriage as it was happening, he saw me through the ugly-cries and despondency. He sees me now as Nolan and I cautiously plan to start again. He is the one that assures me that however brief Joel's existence was, his life is purposeful. His is a perfect love.
I can find rest in the knowledge that my God knows me, sees me, and he reigns.

I started getting sentimental after my mom left from a great three-day weekend. I was thinking how blessed I am to have the parents I have. I was also thinking how much of my personality is made up of a mix between the two of them. I get my love of reading and music from my mom and I get my love of trivia, competition, and fixing problems from my dad. As I was washing Emery's sippy cups I wrote an ode to Mom & Dad and planned to type it up. I'd probably get best daughter award for the year (sorry Bethany. You were probably out of the running anyway. Remember June?). Well I had more sippy cups to wash than I had ideas about that post so I started thinking more. I remembered that I have this brother that is awesome too! Seriously, you should meet him. His only downfall is that whole living in Florida business. I really miss him. Then started thinking about how much I miss him and not only him but my other family I don't see enough. Like Mom & Pop Kitterman. Actually all the Kittermans. I miss them and was thinking the holidays are too far away but I'm looking at the calander and don't know when I will see them before Thanksgiving!
By this point I was finished with the sippy cups and my dryer buzzed at me. Emery's clothes were finished so I piled them into the basket and took them and my thoughts to her room. I picked up her clothes and got a strong whiff of our fabric softener. I just thought, "I LOVE being Emery's mom." Especially when she walked into the kitchen and said, "Amanda, come with me." Or she's been hysterically laughing and saying "Ba-na-na" just like Elephant & Piggie.
I also spent a good deal of time thinking about my wonderful husband too. We had a great weekend together too, even getting to slip away for a movie while Mom stayed with Emery.
My plans to write an ode to Mom & Dad just didn't seem to do justice to all the people I was thinking of and I didn't understand why I was being so reflective.
Then I remembered the verse that stood out to me from my Bible study. I had written it on an index card and stuck it on the fridge and of course, didn't think about it again for the rest of the day.

Turn my eyes away from worthless things; preserve my life according to your word.

Psalm 119:37

Recently I've been consumed with thoughts of insecurity, inadequacy, discontent. I had already acknowledged these thoughts and turned them to God. Then he brought me that jewel of a verse and filled my mind with the things and people that mean the most to me. Thank you, Lord for the gift of reflection.

our sweet girl

For my own memory bank and to hopefully put a smile on your face, I'd like to share with you some of my favorite things about my favorite daughter. oh me and lists...

• she loves Jessie from Toy Story. she can 'yee-haw' with the best of 'em
• she's understanding the meaning of the word, "much" so she'll tell me she loves me "sooo much" or when we dip her under the shower head she says, "too much"
• she loves to take any opportunity to "scare" you or yell 'peek-a-boo"
• the way she says her name: "emmy roof kitteman"
• she enjoys sweet tea (i water it down) and her favorite way to drink it is in her tea-cups from her play kitchen
• she's seen the original Willy Wonka a couple times. Lately she's taken to singing the Oompa Loompa song intermittently throughout the day. It's like her thinking music.
• she not only recognizes the library building but excitedly exclaims, "liberry!"
• whenever she walks down our hallway she runs her finger along the panelling-just like daddy
• when she thinks she's about to get in trouble or has recently been reprimanded, she instantly turns on the charm. She gets in your face with kisses and hugs tight or whispers, "love you." It's a little ridiculous and I'm totally on to her.
• she asks to "brushy my teef" about 5 times a day (except she doesn't want to when we ask her to at night; that's besides the point)
• she's ours

**post-edit: Recently I've had the "we don't eat our boogers" chat with Emery. I've emphasized the importance of a tissue and she responded well to my message. Today we were running about town and when I was unhooking her seatbelts she said, "i holding it" and looked down towards her legs. I thought she was talking about her seatbelt because I noticed her clenching her legs around it so I simply smiled and said, "good job." She looked proudly at me and said, "yeah, i holding booger". Sometimes there's no word for such pride...

sweet and sour

-the weather has been nice enough to turn off the air and leave the windows open. keep coming, fall!

-i woke up in a great mood despite the fact it was 7:30 and my husband was leaving for a week in Iowa

-emery leaked through her diaper in the night

-i was in super productive mode...it's been a while

-our dang roofers still didn't sweep up all the nails in the backyard

-emery and i got dressed up (dressed up=out of sleepwear) and ran around town to enjoy the beautiful sunshine!

-it is a beautiful day but the sun it hot enough to remind me that it's still August. Not the glory of late September-October. I was reminded around time #7 of getting emery out of her car seat and putting her shoes back on her stinky feet

-every time i put emery in her car seat she kissed whatever part of my arm she could reach and sometimes squeezed my arm in a tight (very tight) hug. she also repeated the kisses when i pulled her out of the carseat wherever she could reach--a lot of mid-thigh kisses were involved. How sweet is she?!

-remember that husband who left us for a vacation in iowa? well he left his nametag on the fridge and needed me to please bring it a.s.a.p.! (he even asked first by saying, "how much do you love me? how is that fair?! also, i thought that only worked when i said it but apparently i've used it enough times that he realized it's power...)

-we ventured to walmart and not only did the bank there replenish their supply of suckers, but Ruffle's Sour Cream & Cheddars were on sale! For $1.98! This is how i know God hears my every thought, even the ones not addressed to him. Two, or possibly three days ago i was also in walmart loathing the fact that Lays is always cheaper than Ruffles and i wish they'd just lower their price so i can eat their delicious chips-it happened! --sale that even surpassed Lay's sale! victory!

-we were in a hurry to get nolan's nametag to him so we stopped by mcdonald's (so glad i'm not keeping a food journal). i ordered chicken nuggets for the first time in a while and asked for barbecue sauce. also, miss em wanted a 'cheebooger' so i splurged to get a happy meal since right now they have cute dolls as the toy. the attendant said, "is this for a girl or boy" i proudly responded, "girl." She got a Batman toy. Not a cute Madame Alexander doll. Don't get me wrong, I love the Bat but...why did she ask me and not listen?

-my mom is coming tonight! it's the Art & Balloon fest around here so we get to see the balloon launch tonight! Emery will love it! Once last week we saw a hot air balloon floating near our house and Em hasn't forgotten about it! She's been loving that we've kept our windows open so she can stand guard of the neighborhood. She climbs onto her little wooden chair and looks for balloons! (as a sidenote, emery is so cute. anytime she hears people talking, kids running, or a train whistle, she perks up and runs to the window to see what's happening! i know it sounds like i'm describing a pet but give her a break, she's two!)

-remember those chicken nuggets i mentioned earlier? remember the barbecue sauce? i pulled over to the gas station before heading to nol's workplace. (by this time, i've also been up for 4.5 hours, ran around town, and haven't eaten anything so those nuggets are manna). I pull open the bag, grab the sauce packets....Sweet & Sour Sauce. Downside: not really a fan of the S & S

Upside: it inspired me enough to come back to the blog!

happy may day!

it is May, folks. May. Where did April go? I haven't written since March 18 and as embarrassed as that makes me, I'm going to move on and pretend like I've been writing awesome invisible posts all this time. they were impressive, trust me.

We just got back from vacation on Wednesday. When I look at the pictures I think, "oh look at those great memories." When I avoid the pictures and think of the past week I think "I'm so glad to be home."

Emery actually was a great toddler considering her regular routine was nowhere to be found, she was in a new situation every day and she spent about 1000 hours in the car in Orlando traffic. She was more patient than me I think (which is not that impressive for those of you who know me well).

If there was ever I time I could have redeemed a free teleportation card, Tuesday would've been my day. Monday evening Nolan and I got food poisoning from some seafood and were both up sick all night. Then we had to drive back to Orlando from Lake Wales and kill some time waiting for our flight. I love the restaurant Pei Wei and we had waited until Tuesday to go so by the time we got there I couldn't enjoy the lettuce wraps I'd been dreaming of because I was still nauseous from the night/morning before. Then our flight didn't leave until 3:30 so by the time we made it through security and found our gate Emery was in full-out tantrum stage. She cried and cried getting on the plane, finding our seats, and take-off. Finally she fell asleep but only for 45 minutes. We could entertain her in 10 minute spurts but in the times between she was super whiny and Nolan & I were both still not feeling our best. We finally landed at Midway and I thought we were in the clear. Then Emery vomitted all over the airplane seat, her new Mickey & Minnie plush toys, and more importantly her father. All over. Nolan was done. I wanted to laugh because I thought, "seriously? this day is ridiculous" but I held back; too soon to joke. Plus I wasn't the one covered in toddler-sick. Luckily she only was sick from having too many liquids, not the flu or food poisoning (thank you Lord).

Deep breaths...it's over and we're home now and we have adorable pictures of our almost-2 year old.

In other news, my sister is getting married. In 6 weeks. My sister-in-law and I are planning the wedding. In 6 weeks. I found out Tuesday. I'm not promising any more posts this month from here on out! I'm still processing my thoughts on the matter but really, who has time to process? I'm planning a shower and wedding in 6 weeks!

For now, just enjoy a few of my favorite pics from last week's trip! I've updated on Shutterfly but I wanted to pick out my faves just for you! Happy May Day!