rest in Him

We still have a bassinet in our room. To be honest, most days I don't even notice it; it's become just another piece of furniture I twist my hip to avoid hitting. It's still in our room mostly due laziness but also due to bad timing. After we moved Emery into her crib I asked Nolan to move it to the garage. He insists to this day there's no room for it out there.
Time passed and the bassinet still sits there. I kept thinking we'd fill it again soon so it did seem pointless to move it to the garage but so far it still sits empty. Well empty of a real life, it's actually inhabited by a few of Emery's spare toys.
The reason I'm bringing any of this up is due to the fact Emery pulled out the mattress today and played with it in the living room. It was her baby's bed. As I watched her love on her baby; wrapping it with a blanket, sweetly kissing it on the forehead, and settling down to read Baby a story, I couldn't stop my mind wandering into thoughts of Joel.
Recently I've been introduced to new people and had frequent conversations about babies. These people don't know about Joel and I have mixed feelings about that. On the one hand I do not want to be the awkward, misty-eyed woman who can't seem to get over her miscarriage. On the other hand, my experience with Joel was so life-altering that I can't believe people aren't aware of it. When my miscarriage does come into conversation, I do feel like I sound callous or unmoved. The truth is it was horrific, disarming, and the worst pain I've ever felt. However, I am successfully on the other side of the event so as I am explaining it to others, I am able to say that I'm 'okay'. Do they want me to describe it in detail? No. Do I feel they think I'm either faking my calm or not giving enough severity to the situation? Absolutely.
Thankfully the Lord came to my aid as I was slipping into a more depressing mindset.
The verse in Genesis 16:13 came to the forefront of my thoughts. "You are the God who sees me." Instant reprieve. God is the one who sees me. He saw me through the miscarriage as it was happening, he saw me through the ugly-cries and despondency. He sees me now as Nolan and I cautiously plan to start again. He is the one that assures me that however brief Joel's existence was, his life is purposeful. His is a perfect love.
I can find rest in the knowledge that my God knows me, sees me, and he reigns.

I started getting sentimental after my mom left from a great three-day weekend. I was thinking how blessed I am to have the parents I have. I was also thinking how much of my personality is made up of a mix between the two of them. I get my love of reading and music from my mom and I get my love of trivia, competition, and fixing problems from my dad. As I was washing Emery's sippy cups I wrote an ode to Mom & Dad and planned to type it up. I'd probably get best daughter award for the year (sorry Bethany. You were probably out of the running anyway. Remember June?). Well I had more sippy cups to wash than I had ideas about that post so I started thinking more. I remembered that I have this brother that is awesome too! Seriously, you should meet him. His only downfall is that whole living in Florida business. I really miss him. Then started thinking about how much I miss him and not only him but my other family I don't see enough. Like Mom & Pop Kitterman. Actually all the Kittermans. I miss them and was thinking the holidays are too far away but I'm looking at the calander and don't know when I will see them before Thanksgiving!
By this point I was finished with the sippy cups and my dryer buzzed at me. Emery's clothes were finished so I piled them into the basket and took them and my thoughts to her room. I picked up her clothes and got a strong whiff of our fabric softener. I just thought, "I LOVE being Emery's mom." Especially when she walked into the kitchen and said, "Amanda, come with me." Or she's been hysterically laughing and saying "Ba-na-na" just like Elephant & Piggie.
I also spent a good deal of time thinking about my wonderful husband too. We had a great weekend together too, even getting to slip away for a movie while Mom stayed with Emery.
My plans to write an ode to Mom & Dad just didn't seem to do justice to all the people I was thinking of and I didn't understand why I was being so reflective.
Then I remembered the verse that stood out to me from my Bible study. I had written it on an index card and stuck it on the fridge and of course, didn't think about it again for the rest of the day.

Turn my eyes away from worthless things; preserve my life according to your word.

Psalm 119:37

Recently I've been consumed with thoughts of insecurity, inadequacy, discontent. I had already acknowledged these thoughts and turned them to God. Then he brought me that jewel of a verse and filled my mind with the things and people that mean the most to me. Thank you, Lord for the gift of reflection.