thoughts on motherhood

Normally 17 months is not a milestone that causes a celebration. We're not having a party or anything but since I knew I was planning to take her 'monthly' picture, I've been reflecting on the past 17 months. It has been a challenging year and 1/2 but not without its rewards. Growing up, I always wanted to be a mother; mostly because who cannot love sweet cuddly babies?! As it turns out, those babies don't stay cuddly or easy or necessarily sweet. That's the part I hadn't thought about or prepared for. I think that is why staying at home was a challenge for me at first. Now after 17 months, I can say I have found my calling. I can also say that without these months of staying at home, I would not have the relationship with Christ that I do now. I would also be missing out on this renewed confidence I have in myself. As it turns out, I'm a good mom. I'm certainly not perfect nor do I have all the answers for the next phases of Em's life..but I am a good mom. Being a mother has given me something to be proud of and to really live for. I wake up to Em's sweet voice (most mornings) coming in over the monitor. It brings a smile to my face-what could be a better way to wake up? Granted, once I go in her room she could have the ornery look in her eye or she and her bed could smell (and feel) like stale urine (or worse) BUT the first moments of hearing her voice get me out of bed and ready to start my day. Sure, some days feel mundane and there are certainly days that make me feel overwhelmed but in general it feels great to have a direct purpose in life (especially when that purpose is as adorable as miss emery ruth).
Please bear with me as I give just a couple examples of why I'm a good mom (this is really more of a reassurance for myself, not for you, and not to be braggadocios)

• her baby book is completely up-to-date and I've been keeping a journal of her developments/funny stories/letters from mom & dad
• I mug on that girl something fierce. there's no way she could doubt that her mom & dad love her
• I'm always looking for ways that we can play together or crafts we can do (I can't stop dreaming about mother-daughter dates either!)
• I try really hard to be an awesome wife so she'll know what a good marriage looks like
• we read books and sing songs daily
• I've taken approximately one zillion pictures of her and tried to document our lives
• I'm not going to settle for being a mediocre mom. I'm trying to take care of myself, learn new things, and better myself so that I have that much more to give each day.

Unfortunately, there's also several things I fall short on and I'd appreciate prayers

• I ask for prayers, but I'm not consistently praying for Em
• I'm impatient and I often rush her
• Sometimes I'm selfish (more times than I want to admit) and want to think about what I want to do, when I want to do it instead of being in the moment with her
• I'm not always the best wife to Nolan
• I'm really bad at keeping the house clean (it's orderly but almost always dusty)
• I compare her

I could go on but I think this is enough for now. When constructing today's blog I intended to actually write all about Emery (maybe a love note to her) but I've been reading other blogs that talked about motherhood and it just got me thinking about my role. I am proud of myself (today) but I also know that I'm not working on my own power. There are days that I would like to turn the monitor off and sleep an hour more. There are a LOT of days that I'd rather read a book all day long rather than play with Em. My relationship with Christ and the knowledge that I'm training up a child in the way she's going to go helps me on the days I can't do it myself.

Although I have grown and changed a lot in these last 17 months, I am still working on owning my role. I think the role of motherhood is sacred and I want to be the best I can be. It is not a role to be taken lightly but fortunately there are many rewards (disguised as hugs, slobbery open-mouthed kisses, tears as I her learn and interact, and cuddles when I least expect them) to keep me focused and renewed in my efforts.

Thanks for putting up with such a long post and I hope my thoughts weren't too scattered. Today I'm just full of love for my sweet girl and appreciative of the role and calling God bestowed on me. For your efforts, I'll reward you all with photos from Em's day! Enjoy!

Beginning the day with a bottle, our fave blanket, comfy couch, and Sesame Street

Checking the status of the tree. Yep, still there.

Wearing her "hat". This was not provoked by me at all--she thought this all herself! Bad news: it messes with depth perception and balance; hence, the drunken stagger.

Push the music button and do a little dance!

Practice drum skills on the laundry basket. Gotta start somewhere!

I can't describe what she's doing here but look at that fancy hair! I'm practicing different styles before next week's 'pro' pictures.

That girl would not work with me at all but I did capture this ornery look

She's 'reading'. All the letters are either 'a','b', or 'e'. Love it!

Emery Ruth, I love you sweet girl! Thank you for letting me be your mommy even when I mess up! Can't wait to watch you grow over the next 17 and counting! Love, Mommy